i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
