I don't usually arrange sex via text message
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Im part way to drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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