Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
