Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so let's talk penis.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
