just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
