i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
