My underwear smells like fireworks.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
