I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
