i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
