if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
