Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize