You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
