Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
