dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
