After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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