why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
