Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
