I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
