They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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