The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
