One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
