my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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