smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
