I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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