So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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