I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
