dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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