The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Fuck appropriateness.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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