We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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