There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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