I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
