I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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