Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
