My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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