My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
