Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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