my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
