new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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