I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
