He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
