Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
