If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
