You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
