Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
