What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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