When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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