broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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