Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
bring money and cleavage
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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