I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize