Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We left the knife in your bed.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
