I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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