I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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