Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
