I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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