Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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