she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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