I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
